One Million Points
by ProbableImpossibilities
Summary: "I knew, from the instant I laid eyes on him, that I hated Nasch. I just had to kill him. But that wouldn't be much fun, amirite? So I decided on a point system…" - - Snippets of daily life on Barian World in a detailed list of everything Nasch has done since circa 550 B.C.
1. Points 1-5

**Warning: This fan-fiction contains copious amounts of Vector, venting, Barians, and OOC. Please consult your physician before reading if you consider yourself to be sane, as sane people may be at greater risk of side effects.**

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_Heeyyy, Vector here! This dashingly handsome Barian is reporting to you live from deep undercover, among a group of people that could barely be described as sentient, floating around on the farthest fringes of civilization! I call this herd of pin-headed, gullible primates "Yuma and his friends." Let me tell you, pretending to be just as stupid as they are is really hard work… but that's another story for another time, I guess._

_I've had a lot of time on my hands recently, so I've been going through all my old Records of Villainy, and whaddaya know, I found this list! Oh man, this is so nostalgic; I feel like it's been forever since I finished this thing._

_Oh? Did you say something?_

_..."What list?!" Are you kidding? Whaddaya mean, "what list?!" It's my Million Points list! TA-DAA!_

_..._

_...okay, I'll explain. Y'see, I knew, from the instant I laid eyes on him, that I hated Nasch. You know, Mr. Purple Tentacle-Head. Everything about him screamed "enormous pain in the buttocks," so I just had to kill him. But that on its own wouldn't be much fun, amirite? So I decided on a point system, a little game, if you will._

_The Million Point System worked thusly: anything Nasch did that annoyed me earned him a point. And when my count finally reached a million... well, you can guess what happened then ~ ._

_Since you seem so interested, I suppose I'll let you read my list. It's actually quite amusing looking back, but there were some times when I got SOOO frustrated! Oh, and there were a lot of really hilarious moments, and some embarrassing incidents... and of course, what would Barian World be without a little drama? Maybe even a budding romance? The gang's all here: Durbe, Misael, Alito, Gilag, Merag, and, of course, Nasch. Kya ha ha, I should use this as blackmail sometime!_

_Anyhoo, here it is, Vector's Million Point List! It all started on Day One, circa 550 BC..._

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**The Million Point List**

_- - Being a Detailed Record of Wrongs to Which Nasch Will One Day be Held Accountable - -_

**1. Nasch**

I think it's only fair that we make the first point Nasch's very existence. Granted, I've only just met him, but the fact that a purple tentacle-headed man was even born into this world has to be some sort of travesty. I can take the big green one's mohawk. I can even tolerate the one with the neon-red bush. But Nasch's hair is essentially an octopus that was stuffed into a waffle iron and then glued to his purple head. He also has a cape that is apparently connected to his body somehow. I mean, seriously. What kind of weird mutated thing has a red cape growing out of its shoulders? His existence is practically a crime.

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**2. Nasch's Ego**

Okay, so I was just born into Barian World today; apparently, I'm the last of the Emperors to get here. Nothing wrong with that, though. I'm just fashionably late. What I _do _have a problem with is the fact that these jerk-wads went ahead and made this Nasch guy their leader before I even got here. And you know what, I would have been okay with that. Really. But as soon as I arrived, instead of some heartwarming welcome, I get him. Standing at the top of a really tall staircase, yelling at me about his superiority.

"I am the leader of the Barian Emperors! Follow my arbitrary rules! And stay the h*** away from my sister or I'll throat-punch you!"

Can you believe this guy?! If I didn't like being an evil Emperor so much, I think I'd straight-up quit. Hop on over to that Astral World place or whatever the heck it's called.

And that's not even the worst of it. When I entered the throne room for the first time, Nasch tried to make me BOW to him! Just who does that guy think he is?! We're all kings here! Just because he's the so-called "leader" does NOT make me some sort of peasant!

Well, of course I didn't bow. Nasch got pretty steamed, but ultimately did nothing about it, so maybe the bowing thing really wasn't as important to him as he made it sound. The other Emperors kept shooting me nasty looks, like "oh my goodness I cannot believe you just did that." The yellow dragon guy actually looked scandalized, which was amusing.

Still, I have a pretty formidable ego myself, so this incident was particularly infuriating. I can't believe I'm supposed to play second-fiddle to this tentacle-head... of course, I have no intention of doing what I'm supposed to ~ .

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**3. Favoritism**

So far, I've only been here for one day, but I've already noticed something: the leadership around here is corrupt. Nash is obviously playing favorites. You know how I know? I witnessed it firsthand, and I gotta tell you, it makes me sick.

Today, all the Barian Emperors were finally brought together for the first time, so the girl decided to throw some sort of fancy soirée in honor of the occasion. There was a red crystal sculpture garden, a red crystal ballroom, and a buffet of tiny gourmet energy-sandwiches. The whole thing struck me as kinda ridiculous, but I played along; honestly, I was tired, since it was my first day on the planet and all, so I just didn't feel up to making people hate me. I half-heartedly complimented the girl's dress, pretended to listen to the dragon guy brag about his dragons, and even helped the red one fish the green one out of the energy-punch bowl.

As I was walking around, I spotted Nasch and the grey one that looks like a cat hanging out by the buffet. Now, I kinda wanted a sandwich, 'cause those things were freakin' small and I'd only had five. But when I approached the table, I noticed that there was only one left. Suddenly gripped by a strange desperation and a growling in my stomach, I lunged forward and stretched out my arm, sinking my claws into the crackling triangle of plasma. However, I felt another pair of fingers jam into mine and looked up in surprise; the grey one had grabbed the sandwich at the exact same time that I did.

He seems like a pretty polite guy, so he apologized instantly... however, he must've been just as hungry as I was, because he didn't let go of the sandwich. Obviously, he thought he had some kind of prior claim, but I got to that sandwich first. It should have been mine!

But do you know what happened next? Nasch butted in and told me to give the sandwich to the one that looks like a cat! There was no legitimate reason for him to choose the cat over me; I was there first! And I haven't even voiced my hatred for him yet. Obviously, Nasch has no qualms about unfairly resolving conflicts in favor of his friends. And everyone seems to think he's some kind of saint...

Oh, and apparently the grey cat one's name is Durbe. I haven't been keeping much track of names, but I feel weird calling him "the grey one" since I am also grey… meh. I guess I'll have to learn all their names eventually.

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**4. Chair Privileges**

One of the strange things about Barian World is that there apparently is no furniture. None whatsoever. I was talking to the red one - wait, no, his name is Alito. Anyway, Alito told me at the party that he's been experimenting with using the dark red crystals to chisel the light red crystals into chair-like shapes, but his prototypes… well, let's just say if I actually sat down on one, my butt would be so full of puncture wounds it'd look like moldy swiss cheese. And that has never been attractive by anyone's standards ever.

So obviously, this is a problem. There's literally nowhere to sit down, since the ground outside the throne room is covered in giant spikes. Oh, but wait… there is ONE piece of furniture! Yes, there is a chair! And it is darn comfortable, too. I discovered it while strolling absentmindedly through the throne room, and of course as soon as I saw it, I was all over it. I lounged around in that chair like nobody's business.

Until, that is, I heard this raspy yelling from behind me. I turned around, and lo and behold, there stood Nasch. He had his hands on his hips and was yelling at me like I killed his firstborn or something. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?! Get off of my throne!"

And that's when the agonizing unfairness of it all crashed over me like a wave of cement. The ONE CHAIR in the ENTIRE WORLD just so happens to be Nasch's freaking THRONE. I felt like a man who'd been wandering through the desert, dying of thirst, and then suddenly happened upon a beautiful oasis, only to discover that it belonged to the son of his evil mother-in-law and was being used as a swimming pool. So I thought, f*** all 'a dat, I'm breaking out my bendy-straw and gorging myself on this sweet, sweet metaphorical water no matter what you say. My bum stayed right where it was.

Nasch yelled at me again, repeating that I was sitting in his throne, so I asked him if it had his name on it (it didn't). Naturally, he didn't like that, and I was forcibly booted off the chair.

And as if that weren't enough, I came into the throne room the next day and discovered that...

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**5. Nasch Carved His Name Onto the Back of the Throne**

That hasn't prevented me from sitting in it, though ~ .

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**Author's Note: You may be asking yourself, "what is this?" "What the heck did I just read?" Well, I'm not exactly sure, either, so don't feel bad.**

**I'm pretty much just writing this because I need a happiness/humor break from writing The Mad Prince. It's gonna be really short and really random, so don't say I didn't warn you.**

**However, I am not that creative, so PLEASE GIVE ME "POINTS" SUGGESTIONS. PLEASE. I am begging you. Vector can only take so much stupid from me.**


	2. Points 6-10

**6. Manners**

Alright, so today, Alito finally managed to make some recognizable furniture. I have to applaud his dedication, but honestly, I don't think he's really the best guy to be doing this. That is because, first of all, who makes a table and then forgets to make chairs?! I believe I've already mentioned that I really freakin' want a chair, but even without my mild obsession this is ridiculous. No one just stands at a table and eats. But that is apparently what we Barian Emperors are going to have to do for the foreseeable future. And second of all, Alito is still not that great at making smooth surfaces, so the table is covered in spikes... maybe I wouldn't want him to make a chair at this point, anyway.

The point of all this, though, is that we have a table. The girl - Merag, said Alito's Table of Spiky Death was "wonderful," so she whipped up some energy-meatloaf and pretty much ordered us all to gather 'round and have dinner together. I've noticed that whenever Merag is involved, we all dare not refuse her or Nasch will give us the Glare (which I suppose should count for a point - I'll have to remember that for the next time I get it).

Anyhoo, Merag cooked this energy-meatloaf, and it turned out to be revolting. What's the point of having just one girl if she can't cook for s***? Girls are supposed to be good at that stuff, right?

Well, it was gross, but everybody else at least tried to eat it to avoid hurting Merag's feelings. Me, I have no such scruples. And my stomach has thanked me for it, trust me. Mizael the dragon guy was only able to stomach one little tiny piece of it, but he has a frail constitution, I think. Alito and Girag got about halfway through before they had to stop, and Nasch ate two-thirds of it, but that Durbe guy was definitely the winner. He fought through the gag reflex and shoved down the whole thing. He must really like Merag.

Anyway, while we were eating, Nasch and Durbe managed to secure a place at the table where they could plop down their rears on a small crystal outcropping, so they didn't have to stand up. Not gonna lie, I was a little mad about that. But I was waiting for one of them to "move their meat" and "lose their seat," so I didn't really think about counting that for a point.

Anyhoo, I tell you all of that to get to this. While we were "eating," Nasch started doing something that really pissed me off. I don't think he even knew he was doing it, and that's the worst part.

He had his elbows on the table. The whole freaking time.

Now, I don't know why that annoys me, and I don't know if it annoys other people, either. But I just get this FEELING that elbows on the table are frickin' annoying. None of us remember anything before we became Emperors, so maybe it was bad manners wherever the h*** I came from, but honestly, I don't really care. If I see one more purple elbow rub its nobby purple skin against that table I will flip it. Seriously.

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**7. Numbers**

Alright, now this one really ticks me off. It kind of goes along with the point I already made about Nasch's ego, but this one takes it to a whole new level.

Today, I was given a Numbers card. Apparently they're special. Woo hoo. Oh, but it's not just any Numbers card: it's an OVER NINE THOUSAND NUMBERS CARD!

...no, wait, it's just over one hundred. But hot dang, nine thousand would be awesome.

Anyway, the Number that I got was No. 104: Masquerade, which is basically just an over-glorified version of The Tricky with some hoops. Really, it is. It's kinda disappointing, actually.

But the worst part, of course, is Nasch's Number. His is 101, and he freaking knows it. Heck, the guy won't shut up about it. You know what he told me?

"Hey Vector, the closer your Number is to one hundred, the more powerful you are. That's totally why I'm Number One! And you're Number Four."

What?! No. F*** you, man. That is NOT how this works.

Oh, and you wanna know what's even worse? According to Nasch Logic (aka Nonsensical Ramblings), Durbe and Merag are BOTH more powerful than me. Now, unless we're talking powerfully lame or powerfully girly, there is no way that either of those two would ever be better than me in any respect. Ever. Never. No. God, I still can't believe he said that! Who does the pompous prig think he is, Don freaking Thousand?!

You know what, if I ever end up betraying these guys, the first ones I'm gonna take out will be Durbe and Merag. That'll show him.

Surprisingly, though, I'm actually not the only one who's mad at Nasch for this one. Alito and Girag are kinda used to being the bottom of the barrel, so they weren't too upset. But Mizael, man, I thought he was gonna KILL Nasch right then and there. That's because his Number is 107. And let me tell you, if there's anyone here who has an ego bigger than Nasch (or me), it's Mizael. I could've sworn he was going to summon his stupid dragon and go rampaging through the throne room like some insane Trogdor-loving maniac, you know, burninating the countryside, peasants, and thatch-roofed cottages.

Y'know, it's weird actually having somebody on my side, now that I think about it. I don't think I like it.

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**8. Merag**

Okay, so I've already said quite a bit about Nasch's sister, but I need to say this now. She's like some sort of land mine, except the part that actually explodes when you touch her is wired up to Nasch. And he's hyper-sensitive about it, too. _Breathe_ too hard on Merag, and he will find you and forcibly shove your head up your own anus.

Now, those two somehow know they are related, even though we've all lost our memories. No one knows how this is possible. If I had to guess, I'd say plot convenience, but Durbe seems to think it's because of the strong sibling bonds between them and no one has the heart to tell him he's a freaking idiot. So everybody just kind of pretends that makes total sense and leaves it at that. Well, I could go on but I think I'm digressing, so I'll just leave it at that, too.

Anyhoo, today, I suddenly became extremely hungry about an hour before lunchtime. I don't like to eat meals with the other Emperors, so I just kind of skip them. And then I get these bouts of excruciating stomach pain about once a day that warn me when I need food to avoid collapsing embarrassingly. So I snuck into the royal pantry like a ninja and started looking around for something to munch on.

I bet you can already see where this is going.

For some reason, I couldn't find anything that wasn't labeled "Energy Spam-in-a-Can," so I was starting to get desperate. Then, lo and behold, my eyes came to rest on a delicious-looking energy-BLT, sitting quietly by itself in a corner of the pantry. Thinking that I was saved, I started to scarf it down when I realized something: it tasted like wool and was burning my insides.

Luckily, I managed to cough up most of what I'd swallowed before it caused any internal hemorrhaging, but honestly, I thought I was going to die. I'm not joking. My three days of life as a Barian flashed before my eyes.

Furious, I stormed out of there and went to confront the creator of that monstrosity, who was, as you all know by now, Merag. There's only one woman in the whole of the known universe who can cook that badly. She acted all innocent and told me that she hoped I liked her BLT, because she knew I raided the pantry and wanted to make sure I wasn't forced to eat Spam-in-a-Can. I asked her, very politely, if she was trying to freaking poison me and told her, also very politely, that I didn't know what was in that sandwich but it certainly wasn't B, L, or T, and that I would gladly eat all of the Spam in that godforsaken room before I so much as looked at something she cooked.

And whaddaya know, before I even finished my sentence, I saw a flash of blue lightning and then received an electric shock so jarring I felt like my face was melting off.

The good news is that my head hasn't been shoved up my anus yet. The bad news is that I'll smell like burnt barbecue for at least a week.

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**9. Bathrooms**

Apparently, we Emperors are all really new to Barian World; it has its own customs and language and all that crap and for some reason we were born here knowing none of it. The others have had time to wrap their heads around the weird glyphs that everybody uses, but I got here last, so I'm really behind. Turns out, there's actually two forms of written language; informal phonetic characters (which are what I've been writing this list in) and formal glyphs. The only words I really know how to spell in formal Barian-ese are "Vector," "hates," and "Nasch," along with some various and sundry cuss words, but that vocabulary range kind of defeats the purpose of using the formal text anyway. Now that you know that, here's where the story starts.

Because I don't eat very often, I don't need to use the restroom very often, either. So it wasn't until about halfway through yesterday that I realized I didn't really know where it was. Sure, I've used it a couple of times already, but this place is surprisingly labyrinthine, and it's not like I could leave a little trail of energy-breadcrumbs or something. Sometimes I swear there's a Minotaur who lives here, somewhere, but we've just never run into him.

Anyway, eating that "sandwich" yesterday made me feel… not so good in my bowels. I don't know why I'm even writing this down, because if somebody read it I would probably have to kill them, but I really had to go. So I ran through the palace, trying to remember where the bathrooms were.

Finally, I found them. But guess what? I couldn't read the signs. I had no idea if the one on the left said "Men," "Women," or "Wombats," but frankly, I was too desperate to care. Besides, I reasoned to myself, there's only one girl and odds are, she won't be in the bathroom at exactly the time I need to use it.

Guess what happened. Go on, guess. I dare you.

I opened the door on the left, and found myself face-to-featureless-face with Merag. Who promptly screamed and slammed the door on my fingers.

It's not like I'm embarrassed about accidentally going into the girl's bathroom. But someone, who shall remain nameless for his own protection but whose name starts with an "A" and ends with an "O," happened to be washing his hands next door and heard the whole thing. This person also has a potty-mouth because he is mentally a small child, and he just HAD to tell the story, with some untrue embellishments, at dinner that evening, when I was not present to defend myself.

I was told later that Nasch spent the rest of the dinner cracking jokes about my mix-up and saying other generally inconsiderate things. So that's this point. And the next one, which happened after dinner when I was hanging out in the throne room, is…

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**10. Nasch Gave Me "The Glare" for an Hour Straight**

I do have to hand it to him, though; I didn't know anybody could stare for that long.

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**Author's Note: Special thanks go to Girl with the Fireheart for No. 6 and 8, and to Durbe the Barian for No. 7. If anybody else has suggestions (or you guys have more), GIVE THEM TO ME! *strokes Suggestions creepily* My precious... *runs off cackling into the night***

**Ahem. This kind of turned out to be the "Merag" chapter, didn't it? Ah, well.**

**I keep telling myself that I'm going to try to make this Barian-World-culture stuff at least semi-consistent, and then I don't. I think there's a bit of Vector that's implanted itself in the part of my brain that writes this and is flagrantly ignoring everything I tell it to do.**

**Also, dumb Trogdor reference is dumb.**


	3. Points 111-115

**111. The Beach**

The story behind this one is kind of long, so sit back and grab a bag of popcorn or something.

It all started with Alito.

...That alone should make you worry.

Anyway, I've stated earlier that Alito has the mind of a small child. He constantly needs entertainment, which is apparently why he started trying to carve furniture in the first place. However, that must have been starting to get old, because he spent most of yesterday complaining that we never do anything. And while it's sort of true, Nasch, Mizael and Durbe don't like being distracted from the very serious nothing that they are doing. Eventually, Nasch caved in and told Durbe to find something for the red menace to do, but his efforts mostly consisted of games of Barian Jenga and Tiddlywinks and so were ultimately fruitless.

By dinnertime, even Girag was tired of sparring nonstop with Alito, so obviously something had to be done. I suggested drowning him, and Mizael suggested actually doing something, so Nasch settled on a compromise and decided to organize a trip to the beach. I didn't even know Barian World had beaches, but apparently there is one ocean called the Sea of Ill Intent. I'm told that there are legends that Don Thousand, the Barian god, is sealed away somewhere down there, and that his presence does all kinds of weird s*** to the fish and stuff.

Tempted with the possibility of seeing a freakily-mutated angler-fish-dragon-electric-sea-cow, I was actually slightly excited for this beach trip. So I packed up with the rest of them and flew on over to the other side of the world for what I thought would be some moderately enjoyable R&R.

When we actually got to the beach, Mizael and Merag rolled out towels and started tanning, or whatever it is that girls and pretty people do at the beach. Durbe brought along a crystal beach chair (Alito had actually gotten pretty expert at his furniture biz before he gave it up) and a book, so he sat down and stuck his nose in it as soon as we arrived. Alito and Girag challenged Nasch to a game of Barian beach volleyball, and were trying to get me to join Nasch's team to even things out. He and I both said no. I think he ended up clobbering the two of them anyway, though.

My sole purpose in coming on this trip was to catch me some horrifying marine life, so I immediately headed for the ocean. As I ran down the beach, Durbe started yelling after me, telling me not to go in there. Now, I wasn't really sure why he would be saying that, but I figured it was because he's a stuffy guy and didn't want me to come back and get him wet or something, so I kept going. Durbe started to yell at me again, but Nasch actually paused his volleyball game to hush him, saying, and I quote, "just let the crazy jerk go."

By this point, I was beginning to suspect that there was something not quite right about all of this, but my most debilitating flaw tends to be that I believe myself to be invincible. I figured if Nasch knew there was some kind of freaky sea monster in there or something, I'd just fry it and have it for dinner, and then he'd know not to mess with me.

Well, it turns out that there was not anything dangerous in the ocean. I found out when I dove in head-first that the Sea of Ill Intent is actually composed entirely of acid.

I spent the rest of the day writhing in pain on Merag's towel, waiting for the cracks and missing chunks of me to heal, but mostly just getting sand in them. That was the single most painful thing that has ever happened to me… and I didn't get to see any angler-fish-dragon-electric-sea-cows. And it was pretty much all Nasch's fault.

I am never coming back to the beach again.

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**112. Rooming**

Even though I wound up getting severely injured ten minutes into it, the beach trip was actually planned to be a multi-day affair, and Nasch refused to change his plans. So, when the suns went down that day, we all made our way over to a little vacation-shack-type-thing to stay the night. I really, REALLY wanted to leave, but a particularly nasty acid-burn on my wing was preventing me from flying away, so I had to stay put.

Well, it turns out that this shack-type-thing only had four rooms, so most of us would have to share. I was kinda really hoping that somebody would be nice and give the guy in terrible pain his own room, but I also kinda knew in the back of my head that I'd already offended anybody who was nice enough to do that.

Because the dictatorship around here is so all-important that it extends to even really trivial decisions, Nasch ended up being the one to decide who would room with who. And trust me, his choices were totally arbitrary and completely unfair. ...Alright, most of them kinda made sense, but I'm still really upset.

Nasch's first rooming assignment was for him to share a room with Merag. Because Merag is a girl and the rest of us are dudes, Nasch apparently assumes that if she were to room with any of us there would be shenanigans during the night. I think Durbe is the only one he really needs to worry about, but the Overprotective Brother is a strange breed that will not listen to reason. I tried to tell him that none of us would want to mate with her anyway, but all I got in return was The Glare and a slap across the face from Merag.

The second room assignment Nasch made was to put Alito and Girag together. This one was kind of obvious; the only people who can stand those two are they themselves. I personally think that the fact that they're both losers makes them naturally stick together. That, and they both enjoy whining, although I've noticed that Girag only complains in front of Alito.

It was at this point that Mizael butted in, fussing about needing a room to himself. I swear, the guy is such high-maintenance. He had absolutely no reason to need his own room except that he didn't want a roommate, probably because no one else would understand his need to be up at three in the morning to start doing his hair. Naturally, I told Nasch that I should get the single room for the reasons I've already specified, but Mizael countered by accusing me of being whiny and calling my manliness into question. I very politely told him to do something inappropriate to himself, and I also made sure that he knew I wouldn't be taking any bulls*** from a prissy yellow man in a skirt.

At that point, Nasch had to intervene because Mizael attempted to slash my throat with his fingernails. In order to appease the furious dragon guy, Nasch let him have the single room, and Mizael sulked off. I like to think he spent the rest of the night crying in a corner.

Well, that left the final room to me and Durbe. And I'll tell you what, that man is a WAY more annoying roommate than you would think. He's a smart cookie, I'll give him that, but having to stay awake ALL NIGHT LONG while he reads _Barian Philosophers Monthly_ and _The Encyclopedia Barianicca_ OUT LOUD to himself is one of the more painful things I've ever had to suffer through after the acid-burns. Every time I'd start to fall asleep, he'd gasp or make some other noise because whatever he was reading was either really good or really controversial. And then when I'd wake up and glare at him, he'd ask me what I thought about the issue. Man, I do not give a rat's a** about whether Xenon has fifty-four protons or fifty-five! And I don't want him to explain it to me, either. He seemed to think that I didn't understand the ghost in the machine concept, aka mind-body dualism, just because I was trying to get him to stop talking.

So yeah, my night was awful. I think when the time finally comes to kill Nasch, I'll have Durbe talk his ears off first.

...if he even has ears. I don't really know. He could be hiding anything under that tentacle hair.

* * *

**113. Things I Did Not Want to See**

Now, as a race, Barians tend to wear very little clothing, but it's even worse among the Emperors. Compared to the others, Mizael and I are actually dressed pretty modestly. However, despite the lax standards, there is one article of clothing that is absolutely necessary for us menfolk, and without which a Barian male could be said to be embarrassingly naked: the belt. There are actually laws against going out into public without wearing a belt, and the penalty can be pretty severe. It's not like they cover anything private; it's just some kind of social thing, I guess. Still, it's pretty disgusting to see a guy without his belt.

Which is why, when I woke up this morning after an hour of fitful sleep and saw Durbe's belt flung over the back of a chair, I reflexively closed my eyes and felt my way along the wall to the door. I had no idea what Durbe was doing or where he was, but I really did not want to see him _au naturale_; in fact, the mental image I was getting was so disgusting that I felt like I was going to be sick… also, the fact that my burns were bothering me probably did not help matters.

Once safely in the hallway, I ran to the bathroom, opened the door, and darted inside. Wryly half-expecting to see Merag in there, I was somehow not surprised when, curse my luck, I bumped into someone.

The first thing I noticed was that whoever it was was very wet; the next thing I noticed was that he was also very purple.

That's right; it was Nasch. Apparently, he'd just taken a shower, so... he was completely belt-less.

We both backed up as far away from each other as we possibly could, him swearing loudly and me making various horrified noises. Somehow the door had closed on its own since I entered the bathroom, and my back slammed against it, causing me searing pain from the burns. I shut my eyes tight and fumbled for the doorknob, but even with my eyes closed I was unable to unsee what I'd just unwittingly stumbled upon. That image will be forever burned into my retinas.

Later, at breakfast, Merag noticed that Nasch and I were avoiding eye-contact more than usual, so of course she had to ask about it. Nasch idiotically tried to deny that anything was different from normal, which, of course, only made things worse. I ultimately ended up telling her that I just couldn't stand looking at Nasch's ugly face anymore, because those weird tear-shaped light blue marks under his eyes were unnecessary and offensive to my eyes. I then left the room and went back into the bathroom, which was unoccupied this time, to throw up.

So, if this point system ever becomes public record, that is the excuse I will be using for this particular point. Nasch's blue face-markings are dumb. End of story.

* * *

**114. Shopping**

I'm not sure if this was Merag's idea or Mizael's, but one of them suggested that we spend today shopping. It was probably Mizael. Alito commented that it would be cool if we could all get the same type of thing so we'd look more like a team, which is really stupid, but Nasch and I both felt slightly violated after the… urm, incident, so no one had any serious objections to more clothing.

We ended up going to this place near the beach that sold mostly cloaks and whatnot. Turns out, they conveniently had seven different colors of this certain brand of cowl, so Alito said we should make that our team uniform. For some reason that only Don Thousand knows, the others seemed to agree with him. Well, somebody had to be in their right mind, so I told him that his idea was stupid and refused to have any part in it. Merag had the nerve to try and cajole me into getting one, saying that I was ruining the team spirit and that I wouldn't have to wear it often if I didn't want to. Durbe tried explaining the cowl's practicality, and Mizael said it would be a huge benefit to the world since it hid my face, but what ultimately changed my mind was Nasch's Glare. Ordinarily I wouldn't have given up so easily, but I could tell that if I ignored it this time, it'd come to fists and I really wasn't feeling up to that.

As soon as I grudgingly agreed to get a cowl, Alito made a mad dash for the red one, and suddenly it was like Barian Black Friday up in there. Everyone wanted their favorite color, and they would do anything to get it. I even saw Durbe and Merag trying to wrest the white one out of each other's hands; Durbe ultimately ended up with the grey one, so you can guess who won that fight.

Being reluctant to get a cowl in the first place, I was slightly behind the others and so did not even know what colors there were to choose from until everyone else had swarmed the rack. Looking around, I spotted a nice-looking dark blue one and, thinking that it would match my hair and skin tone, reached out to grab it.

The instant my fingers brushed the cloth, I was literally tackled to the ground. I scrambled to my feet just in time to see Nasch snatch the dark blue cowl from the rack and hug it to his chest before retreating from the fray. So upset was I that I just kind of stood there, eye twitching, until there was only one color left. And guess which color it was.

Purple. I absolutely LOATHE purple. I know that my eyes are purple, but that doesn't stop me from hating the color. I even asked Girag to trade his gross brownish one for mine, but the purple didn't come in his size.

You know what, f*** this beach trip. I'd rather have my life ruined at home, thank you. I'm leaving right now, gimpy wing or not.

* * *

**115. I Fell Out of the Sky Halfway Back and Dislocated My Shoulder**

Technically, this one could be blamed on me and my own stubborn stupidity. But I choose to blame it on Nasch. Because, after all, everything bad that has ever happened to me seems to be somehow his fault.

Plus, I'm definitely not that stupid. Nasch made me do it. I swear.

* * *

**Author's Note: **

**Me: This chapter is rated "N" for NEKKID! Or "BB," for Beltless Barians.**

**Vector: Oh, sure, thanks for putting the warning at the freaking BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.**

**Me: You're welcome! I wanted to catch you by surprise.**

**Vector: *glares wickedly* ...point number one…**

**Me: Aww, don't be like that. I even used other people's suggestions for you, see? 111 is from utopianking and Don Thousand, 112 is from Durbe the Barian, 113 is sort of from Girl with the Fireheart (she only suggested the face-markings bit SO DON'T BLAME HER FOR MY WEIRD S*** [sorry, girl]), and 114 is from FairyLyte.**

**Vector: ...so, basically, the worst parts are all the stuff that slithers out of your cesspool of a brain.**

**Me: Pretty much, yeah.**

**Vector: Alright, you five people who read this, GIVE THE MANIAC SUGGESTIONS. I'll choose the lesser of the two evils any day.**

**Durbe: I hope I'm not interrupting, but I want to know why my belt was off in this chapter.**

**Me: Oh, it's implied that you were streaking around the shack.**

**Durbe: …**

**Vector: BWA HA HA HA HA HA-**

**Me: JK, it's not. You actually have more than one belt, so you decided to wear the other one.**

**Vector: Welp, I'm strangely disappointed.**


	4. Points 216-220

**216. Tutoring**

Well, it's been about two weeks now since I first starting writing this, and the Barian leadership has only just realized something that's kind of important: most of us don't know how to get anything done around here. Of the seven Emperors, only Nasch, Merag, and Durbe are good enough at writing in formal script to do paperwork, which, believe it or not, is supposedly a very important thing that everyone in a government position should know how to do. I know, crazy, right?

I, personally, don't intend on ever doing any paperwork of any kind unless I'm purposefully screwing it up for sh*ts and giggles, but I have to admit, I really should learn the formal glyphs. While I can get along perfectly fine without them, I've noticed that the last couple of points _(note: these have been omitted due to length and repetitiveness)_ have consisted mostly of Nasch coming up with a new way to make fun of my glyph-illiteracy every day. And while I usually appreciate creativity, NO ONE is allowed to be more creatively insulting than me, so this has to stop.

That is the only reason why I decided to go along with Durbe's plan to spend a week or two tutoring us ignoramuses. Or whatever the plural for that word is. Ignorami? Ignoramoose? ...Aw, screw it.

Anyway, Durbe got all up on his soapbox and started saying that the Barian Emperors should be a well-educated group, and for some reason no one bothered to tell him that a) Alito and Girag are too dumb to learn, b) Mizael is too pretty to learn, and c) I already know freaking everything, 'cuz that's just how I roll. So now he's organizing this massive unnecessary thing where we all teach each other dumb stuff. It's totally gonna suck.

Now I know what you're thinking. "How is this even mildly Nasch's fault?"

…

…

...dang, you're good. Uh, okay, I'll have an excuse for this one in about four points or so. Trust me.

* * *

**217. Restrictions**

Now, I'm sure you've noticed that, every once in a while, someone will suggest doing something for the purpose of team-building (see 'Shopping'). Unfortunately, this tutoring thing was one of those. The way Durbe set it up, each of us had to teach something to everybody else, although I honestly don't understand why he thought any of it would end up being useful. Nasch and Merag got a free pass by helping Durbe with his ridiculous formal glyphs class, but the rest of us were not so lucky.

Alito ended up leading an hour-long kickboxing workshop, Girag taught lessons in Japanese origami (aka making paper airplanes and throwing them at Mizael), and Mizael taught Girag how to get eaten by a dragon. Luckily, Nasch didn't think it necessary for him to share that lesson with the class.

And then it was my turn. I knew, right from the get-go, that no one was going to let me actually teach my lesson, but you have to give me some credit for trying. And I tried really, really hard.

Y'see, I wanted to create an experience that everyone would remember, something truly exceptional. I also knew that whatever I chose to present would have to be unique, and it would have to be _me._ So, I thought long and hard, and there was only one possibility:

VECTOR'S FABULOUS ADVANCED TORTURE TECHNIQUES SYMPOSIUM! TA-DAA!

Unfortunately, we didn't even have time to get started before Nasch shut us down. He stated quite rudely that torturing people was not the purpose of this activity and that I was in major trouble, so I explained to him that I'm dyslexic and I must have confused 'tutoring' for 'torturing.' Despite the incredible believability of my claim, Nasch was not amused. Right then and there, he announced that no lessons were allowed to feature weapons of any kind (ESPECIALLY not spiky clubs made out of crystals or iron maidens disguised as tanning beds), mutated goldfish with poisoned fangs that were fished out of the Sea of Ill Intent, torture devices, or even mutated goldfish with poisoned fangs being used as torture devices. I protested, of course, because obviously he just made all that up, but my lesson was ultimately found to be in violation of the rules and had to be scrapped.

So I gave him a point for that. I still can't believe Nasch made me cancel my symposium! Poor Miza-chan and Alito were so excited, I could see it in their eyes! And now I'll have to put goldfish Herod, Attila, Kim Jong Fin, Nero, Vlad, Jack the Flipper, Napoleon, and Hitler back in the Sea... I was starting to get really attached to little Hitler, too.

* * *

**218. Literacy**

After everybody else's failed attempts at creating a lesson, it was finally time to address the issue that stood defiantly at the heart of this whole ridiculous debacle: the Barian Glyphs Seminar, otherwise known as An Exercise in Killing People Through Boredom. Durbe seems to have perfected that particular method of execution into an art form.

Since Nasch and Merag had decided to help, Durbe suggested dividing up the students between the three of them so he wouldn't have to deal with all of us at once. Since no one wanted to have the privilege of teaching yours truly, the assignments were decided by pulling names from the mouth of one of Mizael's freaky dragon-shaped vases.

Merag ended up with the dimwitted duo, Alito and Girag. I kinda felt a little bad for her, just because those two are the least likely to actually learn anything, and she seems to care about this somewhat. Durbe got Mizael, but considering he's the one who suggested this dumb thing in the first place, I didn't feel bad for him. Besides, that left only one possible pair, and I didn't like it one bit.

Nasch ended up getting stuck with me. Or I ended up getting stuck with him. Whichever floats your boat.

So, while Merag, Alito, and Girag spent hours painstakingly learning the alphabet and Durbe and Mizael spent hours painstakingly learning the word 'dragon,' Nasch and I spent hours staring at each other with as much hatred as we could muster, which was a lot.

I was still a little upset about having to get rid of the mutated goldfish that I spent weeks trying to catch, so Nasch ultimately won the staring contest. I challenged him to a rematch, but the suns were in my eyes, so I lost that one, too. After about two hours, Durbe noticed that we weren't getting anything done, so he came over and suggested some things that both of us ignored. But Nasch didn't want to look bad in front of the others, so he decided to start writing cuss words on a piece of paper and telling me what they meant. Ordinarily, I would be very interested in that sort of lesson, but I already knew more swear words (in both regular script and glyphs) than he did, anyway, so I started teaching him some creatively insulting things that he, for some reason, did not appreciate.

So, at the end of the day, I had to spend over three hours with Nasch, and I still don't know how to read formal glyphs. If that isn't the most utterly useless thing I've ever done, I'm not sure what is.

* * *

**219. Cooking Classes**

Now, usually, when smart people do something really stupid, they learn not to do it again. Moderately less-smart people will figure out after about the second or third time that they should probably not do this stupid thing anymore. Chimpanzees will stop doing the stupid thing after four failures. Only real, bonafide idiots will try something dumb five times and then think to themselves, 'maybe I should try it again, just in case.'

So riddle me this. How can anyone think that Durbe is the smart one around here when he did exactly that?!

I already told you how the whole "tutoring" thing did not work out. Well, okay, Alito and Girag did manage to learn the alphabet... and we all burned some calories during the kickboxing workshop... and I did discover some amazing things about paper-airplane aerodynamics... and now I know the capital of Uzbekistan… and Alito memorized "Othello"... and Mizael cured Barian Fever... and we sent an exploratory probe into space… and Durbe calculated the airspeed velocity of an unladen African swallow… but that's beside the point. The entire activity was a total waste of time, and nobody learned anything. End of story.

So when I heard Merag ask Durbe to teach her how to cook, and he _agreed_, I couldn't help but groan. Very loudly. So that they would hear me from across the room.

Honestly, I'm not sure how good of a cook Durbe is, but I'd bet anything you want that he's better than Merag. So, even though I was sure whatever was going on would end badly, I decided to hang around and watch them try anyway. Plus, when something inevitably caught fire, I could laugh at them maniacally.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm some kind of creeper, because I'm not. I was definitely not hiding behind a rock or watching them just to watch them. And even if I was hiding behind a rock, it was a totally obvious hiding place that they totally would have seen had they not not seen it. It isn't creeping when you're being obvious about it.

Anyway, I was watching Durbe teach Merag how to cook, and it looked like they were making grilled energy cheese sandwiches. The first thing that ticked me off is that they were doing it all wrong. Durbe just stuck the energy-bread on the grill and then put slices of energy-cheese on it. That is the worst possible way to make grilled cheese. Obviously, you're supposed to cover the bread in butter, put it on the grill, flip it so that both sides get nice and toasty brown, place one slice of mozzarella on each piece of bread, cook up some mac and cheese, cover the mozz-and-bread with bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips, then dump the mac and cheese onto the sandwich and squish it together with a spatula. I mean, come on. It's not grilled cheese unless there's bacon and mac involved. Who the heck taught this guy how to cook?!

The second thing that ticked me off was the way they went about making this sacrilegious junk. And I don't mean how they left ingredients lying around, or how they didn't wash their hands first, or even how they left a towel hanging on the oven handle when that is CLEARLY a domestic fire hazard. The "cooking lesson" was disgustingly peppered with what I can only describe as… public displays of affection. What made it even worse was that I don't think they even realized what was happening.

Every once in a while, Durbe and Merag would both reach for the same ingredient or utensil at once, and then their hands would brush against each other and somebody would recoil, blushing. Usually it was Durbe. The area in front of the stove was apparently also really space-limited, so they were constantly standing right on top of each other and rubbing shoulders in what I think I'll call "casual cuddling." Then Durbe slipped on some butter, and Merag helped him up off the floor in the most annoyingly sweet way possible. When the sandwiches were finished, they decided to eat them together, and Merag glomped Durbe in a victory-hug. And when Merag's hair got a little too close to the grill and caught fire, Durbe was the one to spray her vigorously with the sink's high-pressure nozzle while she screamed. The worst part is, I didn't even laugh.

I don't know why, but watching them just made me feel sick inside. Why do they have to be so damn cute together?! And why does neither of them realize this?! By the time the fire in Merag's hair had been successfully put out and they were back to munching on their sandwiches, I was absolutely fed up with their kawaii shoujo-manga s***. And when Durbe complimented Merag on her improvement and said that he liked the sandwich she made, I lost it.

I stormed out from behind my rock, grabbed Merag by the wrist, and dragged her over to the grill. She was, understandably, shocked and confused by my stranger-than-usual behavior, but honestly, I wasn't even sure what possessed me to do that. I just told her that we were going to make a REAL grilled-cheese freaking sandwich, and that it was going to be the most awesome thing she had ever eaten. Like freaking rapture and Chuck Norris at the same time. And you know what? After some thought, she actually said that would be cool.

However, Merag's yelps of initial protest must have set off Nasch's sensors, because I didn't even have time to show her how to properly lather a slice of bread in butter before he showed up and tackled me to the ground. And then later, he gave me a lecture on how inappropriate it was to use cooking as a way to hit on his sister! Are you kidding me?! I practically SCREAMED that it was DURBE who was doing the hitting, and that I wouldn't even bother to use a bad pickup line on Merag, anyway, because she's not that hot, but for some reason that only made him angrier.

So, because of Durbe's dumb cooking class, I got an angry Nasch-tirade and missed the chance to laugh at Merag on fire. Maybe I should start a point system for Durbe...

* * *

**220. Oh, Wait! I Know How #216 is Nasch's Fault!**

He COULD HAVE told Durbe that his tutoring idea was stupid, but he DIDN'T.

HA! I told you I'd come up with something eventually! And look, I got an extra point out of it, too! MWAH HA HA HA HA! I AM SUCH A GENIUS!

Inaction is just as bad as wrong action, kids. Remember that.

* * *

**Author's Note: And so, in honor of Valentine's Day, here is a little HolyIceshipping and denial!Gorgonicshipping for you all. There's nothing quite as romantic as your sweetheart's hair catching on fire! **

**Special thanks to Girl with the Fire Heart for 217, FairyLyte for 218 (and the basis for this whole chapter, really), and Durbe the Barian for 219. And as always, suggestions are extremely welcome! I'm a suggestion junkie! GOTTA GET MAH FIX, YO!**

**As a side note, the Grilled-Cheese: Vector Style is a cookable thing, and it really is good. You should try it sometime.**


	5. Points 1321-1325

**1321. Pets**

Okay, so, a really, really long time ago, like, around Point #532 or something _(note: omitted)_, I found a rabid Barian Dingo (or "Bingo" for short) wandering around outside the palace. The little guy was just so cute, he looked like he wanted to tear someone's face off! In fact, I think he ate a baby right before I found him. He was SO ADOWABLE ~ ! So I decided to keep him as a pet and brought him into my room.

Honest to Don Thousand, I had Bingo for ONE DAY before Nasch found out and told me I had to get rid of him. He accused poor, innocent little Bingo of biting people and giving the servants Barian Rabies! Can you believe it?! Well, obviously I told him that Bingo would never do such a thing, but he insisted that I put him back where I found him. He also said that the day he let me have a pet would be the day the world exploded.

Feeling that he was being extremely unfair, I politely pointed out to him that he wouldn't let me have Bingo, but he _would_ let Mizael, who happens to be almost as quick to violence as I am, have a massive, fire-breathing, time-continuum-manipulating DRAGON, but he didn't appreciate the discrepancy and threatened to kill Bingo if I didn't get rid of him.

Obviously, I gave him a point for that, but I didn't get rid of Bingo; I just hid him in the library. Durbe is the only one who goes in there, and he's always got his nose in a book, so it's working out to be a pretty good hiding place so far.

Anyway, I was really p*ssed off, so I decided that if Nasch wouldn't let me have a pet, I'd get the next-best thing: a clone.

Clones are a little more high-maintenance than pets, and you have to wait for them to grow up before you can do anything with them, but there are a billion different ways that having a body double could be useful. I figured if I had a clone, I could send _him_ to boring meetings, or make _him_ do stupid paperwork, or let Nasch send _him_ out on errands. Then I realized that a clone would be good for something else, too: instant alibi. With a clone, I could do all kinds of s*** and get away with it, and that made me so excited that I just _had_ to have one.

And so, after briefly borrowing Durbe's genetic engineering equipment, I was able to create an embryo using only my superior DNA and the husk of a female cell I swabbed off of Merag while she was asleep. Now, I want to make sure you don't get the wrong idea; the ONLY reason I took the cell from Merag is that she's the only female Emperor, and I needed one. THAT'S IT. There were no ulterior motives involved. So get off my case already! Geez.

Anyway, I stuck the embryo in a Barian crystal, hid it in the Horticulture section of the library (not even Durbe goes in there), and waited for it to get old enough that it could take care of itself when it woke up. And whaddaya know, that day just happened to be today! So I decided to move the crystal back to my room and start the delicate process of getting my now-about-ten-year-old clone out of there. I say "delicate" because if the crystal cracked even a little bit, there was a chance that my clone would get messed up somehow, and I really didn't want that. It would be embarrassing.

Well, I was literally about to start when the door to my room swung open with a bang. Guess who it was? Guess. I'll give you one try.

Yep, it was Nasch. He came storming into my room and then stopped in his tracks, staring at me. He then asked me what the f*** I was doing, and I told him I was trying to get my clone out of this Barian crystal. He then asked me why I even made a clone in the first place, and I told him to GTFO of my room. Instead, he started yelling at me about how there was no way he was gonna tolerate two of me running around, and then I got really mad and started yelling about how grossly unfair he was, so Nasch called me an insane psychopath and I called his mother some unpleasant things, and then somehow we were throwing punches and Nasch let out a blue lightning bolt, which I dodged.

Then I heard this sickening cracking noise.

I turned around, and sure enough, there was a giant fissure in the crystal. It slashed right across my clone's chest, gaping like an open wound. For once, I forgot about Nasch and ran over to the crystal, working on dissolving it. I was not gonna let my ten years of hard work die, dammit!

Eventually, I managed to free my clone, but the damage was already done. He had a huge crack running across his chest, and he was taking a while to wake up, which was a bad sign. I even gave him a little bit of my energy, and it still took him a full minute or two to open his eyes. When he did, I was a little surprised. His eyes were violet, just like mine, but they were wide, bright, and shining with innocence. In short, they were… cute.

It was at that point that I knew something had gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I started to turn around to vent my anger at Nasch, but my clone suddenly wrapped his arms around my neck and squealed, "Daddy!" I tried to pry him off, but he just wouldn't let go! I haven't been so totally unable to push something away from me since I got a Barian leech stuck to my face. While I struggled, Nasch just stood there, smirking at me. I told him it wasn't funny and that he probably made my clone retarded, but he just laughed and said it was my genes that did that. I grudgingly admitted that I walked right into that one before flipping him the bird, a gesture that my clone immediately copied with a giggle.

Seizing my chance, I wrenched his other arm off of me and pushed him what I thought was a safe distance away. Nasch rolled his eyes at me and said that Merag would probably get mad at him if he killed my clone, but he made me promise to take care of him entirely on my own and to not let him get into any trouble. I told him I could only guarantee one of those things, and he growled and stomped out of the room. My clone waved at him cheerily, and I told him to cut it out.

And that is how I ended up with a messed-up clone because of Nasch. Now he'll only be able to pass for me if he's wearing my cowl! I swear, I almost abandoned this whole point system right then and there. I am getting so tired of this s***!

Although my clone does seem to know a lot about horticulture, which is useful, since I've decided to start growing some mutant Venus flytraps. Never know when they might come in handy.

* * *

**1322. Dueling Lessons**

News travels faster than the speed of light on Barian, so by the time I'd finished telling my clone exactly how much to hate Nasch, all of the other Emperors had already heard about him and started dropping by my room. And they didn't go away when I told them to, either. They actually started _playing_ with my clone! Apparently they think he's cute or something. And the little brat just sat there and let them fawn all over him with his stupid adorable-eyes, like some kind of puppy. Frankly, I was too ashamed to even try to stop them. Alito showed him some boxing moves, Girag told him some stupid story about raccoon-dogs, Durbe brought him a copy of "The Legend of King Arthur" from the library, Mizael made him a freaking dragon plushie, and then Merag showed up and started cooing and making ridiculous noises, cuddling him and expressing her immense sympathies that he had to be my clone. I was about to retort when my clone suddenly asked her, "why are you sorry? My Daddy's nice, isn't he?" And then everybody stopped talking.

Merag eventually told my clone that he's "just too cute" and asked what his name was. It was then that I realized I'd completely forgotten to give him a name, a fact that my clone immediately pointed out to everyone. Merag got all huffy and started glaring daggers at me, so I decided I had to make something up.

I ended up naming him "Hector." Not very creative, I know, but I was under pressure! Hector liked the name, anyway, but I get the feeling that I could have named him Billy Bob Thompson and he would have been overjoyed.

Anyway, it was somehow decided that Hector had to learn how to duel, so the others all wanted to give him dueling lessons. I was given absolutely no say in the matter, even though I told them that I should be the one to teach him to duel since I want him to duel like I do. But of course, no one around here listens to either me or Common Sense. They ended up drawing names out of another one of Mizael's weird dragon vases, but Alito accidentally grabbed two slips when he reached in, so both Merag and Durbe felt like they had equal claim to the honor (?) of teaching Hector how to play Duel Monsters. Seeing this as a chance to maybe fix some of the damage they were bound to do to my extremely impressionable young clone, I suggested that the two of them face off against me and Hector in a tag-team duel. That way, I could tell him to do only what he saw me do. Miraculously, they agreed, so I loaned Hector my Shining deck and told him to watch and learn.

However, the duel turned out to be extremely pathetic. Durbe would spend hours explaining everything he did, why he did it, when a card's effect could be used, when it could not be used, when it could be used but it probably wouldn't be a good idea to use it, why the cards are color-coded, the different breeds of Kuriboh and all their effects, and the joys and wonders of the mysterious Standby Phase. I felt like I was listening to a dissertation.

And then Merag went extremely easy on Hector but totally tough on me. She made sure to only attack his monsters when they were in Defense Position, and whenever he attacked her, she "forgot" to activate her face-down cards. I told her that I didn't want him to learn how to be a pansy, but then she just started blasting away at me. It was like I was a target and her Duel Disk was an AK-47. Luckily for me, Hector's desire to defend his "Daddy" and his apparent rapt attention to Durbe's lectures quickly turned him into a major threat, so Merag started to take him seriously. Then we were able to both go after her and knock her out of the duel. At some point, Durbe finally got tired of talking and started playing, but he was only able to beat Hector before my Masquerade got to him.

Was I happy that I won? Yeah, but I felt like I wasted a whole lot of my time. So I decided to blame Nasch, because if he hadn't told everyone about Hector, we wouldn't have had that terrible duel in the first place.

* * *

**1323. Redecorating**

Now, I admit, I wasn't quite sure what to do with Hector once it was time to go to sleep. My room is pretty small, and there isn't really any place for him. Plus, I've noticed that his chest deformity makes strange whistling noises when he sleeps, kind of like snoring, but… creepier. So I lugged him over to the library and threw down some blankets in the Horticulture section, which he was perfectly okay with, seeing as he grew up there.

However, the next morning, Durbe just _happened_ to want a book on planting Barian daffodils (don't ask me why), so of course he stumbled upon Hector and ran off to tell Nasch. Later in the morning, I get an extremely angry Nasch and Merag at my door, demanding to know why Hector was sleeping in the library. I told them that I really didn't have room for him, and Nasch told me that was B.S. and almost launched into a tirade, but Merag stopped him. Shockingly, she agreed that my room was too small for two people, and suggested that they build another one for Hector. Nasch looked like he wanted desperately to protest, but Merag totally shut him down. In fact, she even got him to redecorate the rest of the palace, too. That was probably her real aim from the beginning. I personally don't know why redecorating would be necessary, but it is apparently going to happen.

Nasch's only condition was that I do most of the work on Hector's room myself, which I strongly objected to. I was fine with letting him sleep in the library. But no. My opinions apparently do not count for jack around here.

* * *

**1324. Redecorating (Part II)**

Well, today I learned why Merag wanted to redecorate: apparently, Alito's been working on a floating crystal chair for himself, and, having already decimated what used to be the rock garden in order to get the material he needs, he's been taking it from the walls. I was actually surprised; at first, I thought Merag had finally discovered the crude symbols I drew on the walls of her room in invisible ink about a year ago. However, it looks like my secret artwork remains gloriously undiscovered.

Anyway, basically the extent of the redecorating was to fill in the holes in the walls and knock down some other walls to make a room for Hector, since it's not like we could repaint or get new carpet. We've been here for at least ten years and we still have neither of those things.

Alito was the source of the problem, so he got assigned to hole-fixing duty with Durbe, Merag, and Mizael. Since Girag is a big dude, it made sense to have him help me tear stuff down… but I really don't understand why Nasch had to work on the new room with us. He claimed that he wanted to make sure I didn't destroy anything that wasn't supposed to be destroyed, but I pointed out that if I was gonna destroy something, he would be powerless to stop me, anyway, since he'd already delivered the power-drill into my capable hands.

A short scuffle ensued, and my drill was replaced with a staple gun. I wasn't sure what we were gonna use it for, but whatever. If Nasch didn't want me to do anything, I was perfectly fine with not doing anything. So I mostly sat there and taunted him and Girag while they worked. When Nasch complained that I wasn't helping, I stapled his cape to the rafters and ran off, cackling.

I knew Nasch would probably destroy me if he managed to free himself, so I took a quick trip to the library and spent a couple of hours playing with Bingo. Eventually Hector showed up with a grilled-cheese sandwich that he said was for me, but the bacon smelled a little… strange, so I was immediately suspicious. Turns out Merag was trying to lure me out with food, most likely so that Nasch could turn me into a pile of finely-ground rubble… although Hector assured me that, "meaning well," she just wanted me to see the "wonderful" job everyone else had done.

Well, I was kinda already getting bored, so I decided to leave the library anyway, but I told Hector to burn the sandwich. I have to admit, it did look pretty good (she's been improving recently) but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Surprisingly, the others did a pretty okay job with the redecorating. It's hard to change things up when the only color available is red, but the new walls looked tasteful nonetheless. Of course, the areas that Mizael worked on happen to have suspiciously dragon-shaped splotches all over them, but otherwise, loathe as I am to say this, the place looks pretty snappy. The funny part is that Durbe was actually the one to do the designing; he claims that he was only good at it because he read a book on the subject, but I think it's really because he secretly yearns to be a housewife. With Merag as his husband.

Anyway, the rest of the Emperors fixed the walls and made a little room for Hector right next to mine. I actually kind of complimented them a little, but Nasch was still pretty mad at me for some reason, so he chewed me out. At least now he knows not to ask me to help with things. There was something a little odd about him, though, which I didn't notice until later...

* * *

**1325. Nasch's Cape is Still Stapled to Hector's Ceiling **

Apparently he had to take it off just to free himself. Which, honestly, is pretty hilarious.

The best part is that he's just leaving it there. Turns out Nasch is the kind of weirdo that has spare capes lying around. I gotta admit, this is one of the funniest things that's happened all day.

But Nasch didn't seem to agree with me on that. Hence the point. You know the drill by now.

* * *

**Author's Note: Wow, this chapter is really long. Way too long. And I had a hard time coming up with a punchline. *shakes fist* Why are you causing trouble for me?! This is supposed to be the stupid easy fic! *sob***

**Anyway, say hello to Hector, Vector's totally kawaii-desu clone. The reason I've added him to the story is that I, personally, have never been satisfied with Vector's flippant "oh that was just my clone" explanation of how he was able to be in two places at once. One does not simply say "that's my CLONE" and leave it there! Legitimate clones are a really big deal. They're living, independent organisms, pretty much exactly like children but with only one parent's DNA. Knowing that canon was never going to give me the in-depth explanation that I wanted, I decided to make it myself, and Hector was born (?).**

**On that note, I would like to state for the record that cloning had nothing to do with anyone's suggestions, but I would still like to thank Charlotte Ink for 1321, Durbe the Barian for 1322, and FairyLyte for 1323 and 1324. If you have any more suggestions, GIVE THEM TO ME! *waves around a squirt gun* Gimme the suggestions now, or everyone here gets it! (Just kidding. I do really like suggestions, though…)**


	6. Points 1531-1535

**1531. Babysitting**

Alright, so, not gonna lie… I was kinda expecting Hector to be able to take care of himself by this point. I don't really remember what I was like when I was ten (or if I ever even was ten), but I'm pretty sure I was more capable than this. I mean, he doesn't know how to do anything except duel, eat, sleep, squeal, be a general annoyance, and garden. And he's always hanging around me, as if he expects me to teach him stuff! Pssht. What do I look like, a babysitter?!

Well, apparently that is what I look like to Nasch, because he told me today that I have to start actually supervising Hector instead of just letting him run around doing whatever. You know what, I bet this is Mizael's doing. That prissy yellow dragon-freak must have gone whining to Nasch, just because Hector may or may not have consumed an entire jar of sugar before drawing flowers all over Tachyon in purple crayon. Luckily, the dragon seems to like him for some reason, otherwise he would have ended up barbeque, but Mizael… he is a strange little man, let's just say that. I think he got subconsciously jealous that *gasp!* Tachyon can abide someone other than him, so he must have complained to Nasch about how Hector was distracting him from all the important work that he was doing (aka watching reruns of Dragon Tales).

So Nasch called me out and insisted that I actually pay attention to Hector, which, because I wasn't really in the mood for a lightning bolt to the face, I grudgingly decided to do.

I have spent the last hour or so fervently regretting that decision. And/or inadvertently teaching Hector cuss words.

Don't get me wrong; it's not that he gets into trouble. Oh, no. The problem is that he refuses to get into trouble. It took me twenty minutes just to convince him that putting a Whoopie cushion on Nasch's throne was not going to hurt anyone, and even then he was so afraid of somebody seeing him that he forgot to inflate it.

Having a clone that won't engage in mischief and rascality with me is kinda frustrating, since that is pretty much what I created him for in the first place. On top of that, he is just so freaking clumsy that he ruins anything I can get him to do. For example, Merag happened to be taking a nap at the time (because she's one of the few people around here who actually does productive stuff and thus was tired), so I suggested that we Sharpie her face. I made it sound like a fun coloring game, though, so Hector unwittingly agreed, and I told him to draw something funny, like a moustache or a unibrow.

So we go into her room, right? Hector's got the Sharpie uncapped, and I'm standing in front of him, urging him forward because Merag's kind of a light sleeper and we had to avoid triggering one of Nasch's alarms. Well, Hector tripped and fell forward with the Sharpie in his hand, smashing into me and sending both of us to the floor.

This obviously woke Merag up; she looked about ready to blast us with icicles, but as soon as her eyes landed on me, she simply started laughing. Turns out that while he was flailing around and bumping into me, Hector's Sharpie had drawn a moustache on _my_ face.

So I was forced to beat a hasty retreat to avoid further humiliation, and Hector honestly didn't understand why I was embarrassed, which somehow made it even worse. Luckily, Bingo's saliva happens to be perfect for dissolving things, but it made my face sting… anyway, that was only one example of the kind of stuff I had to deal with during that horrible hour. There was actually one thing that happened that was so singular that I had to give it its own point:

* * *

**1532. Capes.**

Ten minutes after the Sharpie incident, my cheeks were still red from either the acidic Bingo-drool or shame (or both), and I still had twenty minutes to kill before I could tell Nasch I'd successfully supervised my clone. Now, considering my previous failures, I'm not quite sure what possessed me to even try to do anything at all, but I was getting bored and I wanted to torture Nasch a little.

Now, some points back, I had stapled Nasch's cape to the ceiling of Hector's room. It stayed there for quite a while, and Hector told me he used it as a curtain of sorts, though I really don't know what he'd even use a curtain in the middle of his room for, anyway. However, he must've been using it for something, because it finally came down a couple days ago. It was just sitting there on the floor in a little forlorn pile, and seeing it gave me a wicked idea.

I told Hector that whoever wore the cape was the leader of the Barian Emperors. Despite his many failings, he does seem to have my intelligence, because he didn't believe me at first, citing Nasch's many spare capes as evidence of the fact that the cloth was nothing more than a fashion statement. I, however, have far more experience tricking than he does being tricked, so I was able to convince him that the spares were really Nasch's way of saving face after being forced to give up the source of his power, and that he was just waiting for the magical sealing staples I'd used to fasten the cape to the ceiling to wear off so he could take it back. I may have also insinuated that Nasch was a cruel tyrant who was bending the other Emperors to his will, and that it was Hector's patriotic duty to don the cape and free us all from the Evil One. Something like that, I don't really remember the details.

Anyway, Hector totally fell for it, and watching him run around tripping over that ridiculous cape and urging the others to break free from their bonds of servitude and rise up against the tentacle-headed oppressor was one of the most hilarious things I've seen in a while. Alito must not have realized that he was serious and thought he was playing some kind of game, because he tied his cloak around his neck and even helped Hector bother Girag into joining their little "rebellion." However, Mizael downright refused to even acknowledge them, so Hector actually came running back to me, saying that Miza-chan wouldn't listen and he needed my help to make him see the error of his ways. By that point, I had to constantly choke back my laughter, so I couldn't possibly refuse joining in… though I ultimately decided to have Mizael labeled an unholy false prophet who was beyond saving in the interest of not getting burnt to a crisp by Tachyon.

Hector's next targets were Durbe and Merag, who happened to be doing some kind of paperwork together. Durbe insisted that it was very important, but Merag must have thought we were all playing make-believe (which I guess by that point we were), so she eventually convinced "Sir Bores-alot" to help us storm the palace and knock some sense into her "big mean brother."

Then came the part I had been waiting for: to see the look on Nasch's face when Hector walked into the throne room wearing his cape and declaring that he was the leader of the New Barian Republic (as our ridiculous band of rebels had taken to calling ourselves). And boy was it worth it. Everything from anger to confusion to betrayal and even that special Nasch brand of annoyance occupied his features all at once, making him look like he'd either mutated in the face or sucked on a carton of energy-lemons.

However, instead of lashing out or even continuing to be upset, do you know what he did? He played along! Like, he started calling Hector things like "young hero" and dramatically monologuing about his inevitable defeat. I mean, he actually got into it! And he even pretended to let Hector beat him up! While it was certainly amusing to watch, it wasn't nearly as funny as I'd imagined Nasch exploding with rage would have been, so I was slightly disappointed.

As if that didn't ruin everything, Hector must have figured out that I'd lied to him about the cape somewhere along the line, because when Mizael decided to be a party-pooper and broke the news to him, he wasn't nearly as shocked as I would have liked.

And then came the icing on the Disappointment-flavored cake: Nasch decided that we'd wasted too much time and told us all (excepting Hector) to go to the conference room for a boring meeting. He said it was super important, but all I heard was "it will waste three hours of your life." So, yeah. There ain't no way I'm gonna let him get off without a point for ruining my fun.

* * *

**1533. Meeting**

Now, if there's one thing I've noticed about these "important" meetings, it's that they're almost never important. I don't think I've actually listened to a single word that's been said during any of them. That's because they're usually about things like taxes or other evils of the bureaucracy that mean nothing to me except lots of pointless hoops to jump through and red tape. So, when Nasch called the meeting to order, I raised my hand and jokingly asked if this was about the end of the world.

He stared at me like I had three heads and asked, "How did you know?!"

That was when I realized we had a problem.

Turns out, Merag had some kind of freaky dream about Barian World falling apart while she was napping earlier, so Nasch wanted to know if any of us had noticed anything out of the ordinary. Merag has prophetic dreams every once in a while, so we all had to take her seriously... although her last "vision" was of me turning into a human with orange hair and falling down some stairs, so I don't really trust her accuracy all that much.

Anyway, apparently there were no immediate signs of our impending doom, so the meeting moved on to less interesting things and I found myself staring off into space singing "ninety-nine Duel Monsters cards on the wall" in my head.

By the time I got to twenty-three, Durbe was talking about taxes again, and I was seriously about to explode. I needed something ridiculous to happen, and fast. So the next time Durbe asked me a question, I just said the first thing that popped into my head, which happened to be "saxophones." Don't ask me why.

Well, it turns out that the question was "Why didn't you file your 1040 EZ this year?", and apparently "saxophones" was not one of the responses that would have prevented me from being audited by the Barian Internal Revenue Service. The BIRS is one of the most evil organizations in the known universe; no one knows exactly where they come from or even what they are, but bad things happen to Barians who don't fill out their forms. Shrouded in mystery, BIRS agents are known simply as "the Tax Men," and they are feared by everyone, including, to some extent, me. So, when Durbe told me I was gonna get an audit, I freaked. I made up some excuse about giving saxophone lessons and not knowing whether that income was taxable, which turned out to be my doom.

Not only did Durbe buy the excuse and offer to help me fill out my forms, but now the others want me to give them music lessons! I know, stupid, right? Apparently Merag thought it would be fun to learn to play something (she said it'd make her seem more "cultured," whatever the heck that means), and then Durbe just HAD to join her, which of course set off Nasch's possible-boyfriend-proximity sensors so he wants lessons, too, and then Alito figured learning an instrument was now the "cool" thing to do and immediately wanted in on it, and Girag just does whatever Alito does… and Mizael, for some reason, has always legitimately wanted to learn the flute. Tch… like lemmings following each other off a cliff, these guys.

They even said they'd be willing to pay me, which I appreciate, but there's just one little problem.

I DON'T PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS. NOT EVEN THE MOTHER-F***ING SAXOPHONE.

But if I don't give them lessons, I'm gonna get audited, so I guess I'll come up with something. Still. Point for the freaking meeting being so boring that I ruined my own life trying to entertain myself.

* * *

**1534. Music**

Yeah, I knew these instrumental lessons were gonna blow up in my face. But as I stated earlier, I was caught between a rock and a pointy rock, so I rushed to the library and started leafing through all the books on musicianship I could find. So frenzied was I that the librarian (one of Durbe's people, naturally) threatened to kick me out, but luckily Bingo can unhinge his jaw and swallow things up to ten times larger than himself, so I was able to continue my research undisturbed.

Turns out music has all kinds of complicated stuff like notes and chords and mixed meter... but that kind of structure just ain't my style. I figured out how to play the saxophone through trial and error; the flute was a little harder, but I made noises eventually (even though they sounded like a garbage truck). When it came time to pass my knowledge on to my pupils (aka pull something out of my a**), I basically just played random notes but made it look really cool, and surprisingly, it worked. I dubbed this brand-new technique "improvisational jazz," improvisational because I didn't know what the flip I was doing, and jazz because it just sounds awesome. Jaaaaazzzzz. See, isn't that awesome?

Not surprisingly, the others were terrible at it. Durbe nearly short-circuited just by being faced with the possibility of no structure, and Girag completely lacks any creative capacity. Alito got bored after two seconds, and Nasch blatantly refused to even do anything, just sat there and watched Durbe and Merag like a hawk. Merag is actually pretty good at the saxophone; she has a really smooth tone, low, silky smooth like chocolate or a back massage, but improv is just not her thing. And as for Mizael... well, frankly, he's great, but I never really liked the flute.

So, I guess I created a new art form (?). I don't really know what the heck it is, but whatever. Still, I'm kinda mad that I had to do this in the first place, so Nasch is getting another point.

* * *

**1535. Suspicions**

Basically, Nasch found out that the librarian's mysteriously gone missing, and of course he just assumed it had something to do with me.

Tch. The bias around here is ridiculous.

* * *

**Author's Note: This chapter was somehow even more random than the others, despite the fact that the points all kind of lead into each other. Although, to be honest, randomness is expected in this fic, I think. **

**Yes, Vector just invented jazz. Interesting tidbit: when jazz first started becoming popular, it was basically seen as sinful devil-music, kind of like rock and roll. As for how the Barians are able to play woodwind instruments... it's magic. (JK, they can probably make the reeds vibrate or blow air through their gems or something. Don't think about it too much, it's not meant to be serious.)**

**Thanks to FairyLyte for 1532, Durbe the Barian for 1533, and Charlotte Ink for 1534 (I tweaked the suggestion a little bit...). I have gotten A TON of suggestions, so if I didn't use yours, don't feel bad; I pick suggestions that I think will work well together in a chapter, so if yours hasn't popped up yet, it might later. That being said, thanks for all your awesome suggestions, and PLEASE GIVE ME MORE. I NEEEEED THEM...**


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